[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.