searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three