Seas the day!!!!
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.