That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.