“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it