“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.


If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles


I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.