Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@PanicRestroom

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

@TheToddWilliams

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

@cloudypianos

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

@goldimocks

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@Matt_The_1st

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@electric_Dad_

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

@marcusparkersol

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.