*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.