[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Accurate
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do