[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.