[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”