Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’