“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….