Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”