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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Shark week, but for squirrels.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf