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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Welcome to Flavourtown I鈥檓 Gouy Fieouri
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what鈥檚 the name of this font used for the meats
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife鈥檚 sister without it being a big thing
– I鈥檝e never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Being married to me:
Pros: you鈥檙e married
Cons: to me
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i鈥檒l cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i鈥檒l just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Oh deer
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down