Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Well, this is awkward
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question