Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
quarantine day 3
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Hot Hot Hot
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Woke up against my better judgment again
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.