*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs