*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

You Might Also Like


This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”


It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.


Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.


[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂


[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich


I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.


“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken


Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.


Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.