*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”