*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.