What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Tell the colonel to bring it
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.