Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up