@jasomnambulism
@PanicRestroom What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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@PanicRestroom 
@berniethoughts FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
@3sunzzz Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
@robdelaney Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
@slimmy_shady I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
@QueenVofCoffee Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
@TitansHomer They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
@JohnLyonTweets I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
@Heatinblack Tell the colonel to bring it
@iamburtjarvis BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.