@jasomnambulism

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

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@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@3sunzzz

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@slimmy_shady

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

@QueenVofCoffee

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

@JohnLyonTweets

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.