Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.