Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Muppet Screams
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Siri, fight Alexa.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Fries, not lies.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.