Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.