security at the airport getting more straightforward
You Might Also Like
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Bill is short for Billiam
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?