security at the airport getting more straightforward
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Awwwww shit.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.