@dragonsorbet

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

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@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@sageboggs

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@markydoodoo

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

@TheBoydP

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

@VerifiedDrunk

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

@Vanilla_cupcak

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat