[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I can’t stop laughing at this
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.