SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags