SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy