[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Choose your fighter
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail