*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix