Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
the rocks need my help
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner