*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
This could be us… but you playing