Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole