Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.