*seductively corrects your posture*
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
<- sleeps well with others
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.