*seductively eats two tums*
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The Joker was right
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.