*Seductively hides in the woods
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”