Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
cats when you pet them too long:
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
These are my roll models.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow