*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”