(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You Might Also Like
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I need a headline like this
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!