[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I really had high hopes for this year though
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.