[seductively takes off mom jeans]


Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

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3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix


I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.


Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”


[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*


Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.


6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.


But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.


M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon


H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.


My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”


No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..