*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A