*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!