*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
You Might Also Like
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.