*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.