*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Tier 3 meme
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
584.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened