See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk