“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.