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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween