Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Yup
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.