seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
when revenge coincides with naptime
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing