[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
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Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Ah yes. The three genders
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”