[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?


Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.


The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard


My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”


Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?


My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.


They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer


interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes