@InternetHippo

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

You Might Also Like

@ReaIRonSwanson

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@JasonNotEvil

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

@cooltweetdotbiz

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

@sixfootcandy

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

@bestestname

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

@clichedout

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes